Avengers Text Messages
by K. A. Carlyle
Summary: The Avengers finally have some time off now that Loki's gone. So Tony gets the brilliant idea to give them all cell phones. Bit of Avengers texting for you all! Be prepared for ridiculousness. Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

**This is mostly based off my own thought that I would very much like to be able to text Iron Man.**

**Just sayin'. **

**Also done as a request from my amazing followers Merlin Text Messages. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST.**

**I expect this to have ten chapters when it's finished. Hope you guys don't mind that. I do start to run out of ideas after a while. I don't want to start forcing out bad ideas. XD**

**Anyway. Here's the first chapter in my newest installment: The Avengers Text Messages! [Creative title, I know.] **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Thor**: Man of Iron! I have discovered a delightful new activity known to your modern society as the art of 'texting.'

**Tony**: Yeah, that's great, Thor. But I have more important things to deal with than your inability to use a cell phone.

**Thor**: Man of Iron, I am sensing hostility. Perhaps you wish to lighten your tone with an 'emoticon', so labeled by your popular Midgardian society.

**Tony**: Just...not now, Thor.

**Thor**: Behold. I am smiling. :)

**Tony**: Nobody freaking cares, Thor.

**Thor**: :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

* * *

**Tony: **Barton.

**Clint:** Stark.

**Tony: **what are you doing in the air ducts above the lab?

**Bruce: **there are air ducts in here?!

**Clint: **you actually saw me?

**Tony: **I'm Iron Man. Or course I saw you.

**Clint: **wtf Tony. That's not even a valid point.

**Tony:** screw you, I'm iron man

**Bruce: **that is a valid point.

**Clint: **anyway...

**Tony: **shut up, barton. No one cares about your problems.

**Clint: **:(

* * *

**Steve**: Bruce. Can you help me? I don't understand how to make calls on this new "iPhone." it's a little advanced for me. Where are the buttons...?

**Bruce**: Steve, the radio in my car is too advanced for you. And it's 20 years old. Maybe you should just stick to an old phone for now.

**Steve**: I have to prove to Stark that I'm not entirely incompetent, Banner. I've learned how to text. Mostly. I still do not understand the idea of "emoticons"?

**Bruce**: They're like images. Smiley faces.

**Steve**: I do not understand.

**Bruce**: miniature images. Or symbols that resemble facial expressions.

**Steve: **Symbols?

**Bruce: **Yes. Symbols.

**Steve**: I don't understand how a symbol can look like a facial expression.

**Bruce**: I may spend the rest of my life having this conversation.

**Steve**: Bruce? I still don't understand.

**Bruce**: Please try to, before one of us DIES

**Steve**: They're symbols. Not faces. And grammatically incorrect, if I may point it out.

**Bruce**: -.-

**Steve**: Was that some kind of cruel joke?

**Steve**: ...?

**Steve**: Bruce?

**Steve**: BRUCE?

**Steve**: BRUCE

**Steve**: BRUCE

**Steve**: BRUCE

**Steve**: Forget it. Even Thor can explain this to me better than you can.

**Bruce**: FINALLY

**Bruce**: HEY WAIT A SECOND

* * *

**KingofMortals: **KNEEL!

**Tony: **okay. Who's the wise guy

**Steve: **Loki?

**Tony: **nice try clint. Change your name to mock rudolph the greasy-haired reindeer.

**Natasha: **omg that's the best thing I've heard all week!

**Clint: **I'm right here, guys.

**Bruce: **before you ask, it's not me.

**KingofMortals: **KNEEL!

**Thor: **I believe that is actually Loki.

**Tony: **how did he get a phone?!

**Clint: **he's god of mischief. How does he do anything.

**Tony: **fair point.

**Natasha: **why 'KingofMortals'?

**KingofMortals: **KNEEL!

**Thor: **He's an optimistic individual.

**Tony: **can't he say anything else?

**KingofMortals: **KNEEL!

**Thor: **It would appear not.

**Natasha: **how does he get cell service in space? He's obviously not here.

**Bruce: **see barton's last message...

**Steve: **This guy's seriously starting to get on my nerves. Someone get rid of him.

**Tony: **yes please. I second that motion!

**Clint: **how do you plan to do that, sherlock?

**Deadpool: **I SENSE IRONY

**Bruce: **?

**Tony: **I don't even ask anymore.

**Natasha: **agreed. In the long run, it just saves time.

**Tony: **I think I managed to block Loki

**Steve: **Wonderful.

**Thor: **Now we may resume our normal lives?

**Tony: **I love how you guys seem to be under the impression that our lives bear any resemblance to 'normal'

**Tony: **but yes, I suppose so.

* * *

**Tony**: Just wait until Fury sees that you and Thor spent the entire first day you had cell phones texting each other One Direction lyrics.

**Clint**: Shut up, Stark.

**Clint: **actually wait. Ho long have you been there?!

**Tony**: Long enough.

**Steve**: It's just Tony. What's he gonna do?

**Tony**: Like I'm uploading that conversation directly to Facebook?

**Clint: **CRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP

**Natasha: **and just like that, my week has improved so much.

**Steve: **:-)

* * *

**Clint: **any1 else getting super pissed at the way black widow keeps sneaking up on people

**Steve: **Yes.

**Thor: **I do not understand this modern form of speaking.

**Bruce: **YES

**Tony: **A MILLION TIMES YES

**Clint: **she's getting to be really obnoxious.

**Clint: **just don't tell her I said that.

**Tony: **um..

**Natasha: **what did you just say to me?

**Bruce: **seriously barton, how can you not understand the concept of a group conversation.

**Clint: **nat?

**Clint: **I'm sorry...?

**Clint**: Shit.

**Steve**: Forever alone lol

**Thor**: NYANNYANNYANNYANNYANNYANNYANNYANNYAN

**Bruce**: My apologies, Hawkeye. Steve and Thor have just discovered YouTube.

**Clint**: you're telling me

**Tony: **I can already tell this is going to be a really long week.

* * *

**Please, PLEASE tell me your thoughts and opinions! If you like the style for this one (I tried to change it up a little from MTM, and I think I can say I did it fairly successfully), let me know! Also let me know if there's anything you want me to add/elaborate on. **

**- K. A. Carlyle**


	2. Chapter 2

**Schedule: Tony continues to be obnoxious. I continue to update when I'm supposed to be sleeping. People continue to review...hopefully. I have a bad day, I come home and vent about it with this, you laugh. Again...hopefully. That's the plan, though. **

**Anyone have a favorite line from either this chapter or the last one? I'm still giggling a little at "He's an optimistic individual" from Thor last time, considering that it was aimed at mister pessimistic and moody himself. **

**Anyway; here's the new chapter. Ideas appreciated if you review!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Tony: **avengers

**Tony: **avengers

**Tony: **avengers

**Clint: **wtf

**Natasha: **NOT DURING DEBRIEFINGS

**Thor: **MAN OF IRON!

**Bruce: **stop

**Tony: **stop what?

**Tony: **breathing?

**Steve: **That would be nice.

**Clint: **Agreed.

**Tony: **Not amused, guys.

**Tony: **Not amused.

**Clint: **Seriously tony just shut up for like ten seconds

**Natasha: **you couldn't have had a longer time request

**Clint: **sorry D:

**Tony: **okay so who knew these two were dating because this was news to me

**Steve: **you're dating?

**Clint: **STARK

**Natasha: **wtf who told you that

**Clint: **Don't tell fury

**Bruce: **don't tell fury what?

**Phil: **what aren't we telling Fury?

**Phil:** ...which I will now have to tell Fury because it's a part of my job.

**Tony: **top secret agent stuff coulson. Sorry

**Steve: **You can't keep a secret from Fury.

**Bruce: **Yeah. He's like...a god or somthing.

**Thor: **YOU CALLED?

**Tony: **enough with the caps

**Steve: **What about Cap?

**Tony: **so done

**Bruce: **no srsly. Anyone else noticing that he seems to know everything that goes on?

**Tony: **yes. the dude's creepin in all our windows

**Pepper: **That's it. I'm taking away YouTube.

**Thor: **NO YOU MAY NOT

**Clint: **I think they forgot

**Natasha: **yessss

**Tony: **iron man forgets nothing.

**Tony: **DATING

**Fury: **What are you ladies doing?

**Bruce: **uh...

**Natasha: **Nothing, Director!

**Tony: **Reciting AC/DC lyrics.

**Clint: **I'm on the hiiiiighway to heeeelllll

**Thor: **I am confused.

**Steve: **And I am disturbed.

**Tony: **And this is why we don't give those two cell phones, banner. Getting it now?

**Pepper: **Tony. I told you not to text during debriefings. I'll take away the phone next time.

**Tony: **You don't own me, Pepper.

**Pepper: **Excuse me?

**Pepper: **But I do own your company.

**Pepper: **Consider...

**Steve: **I'd like to apologize for him, Miss Potts. It's quite possible that he's drunk.

**Tony: **luv u pepper

**Tony: **pls don't hurt me

**Tony: **k srsly guys?

**Thor: **MAN OF IRON. I HAVE DISCOVERED THE FOOD OF THE GODS.

**Tony: **?

**Loki: **I gave him pop-tarts, bitches.

**Loki: **And am officially up-to-date with all this modern lingo.

**Loki: **...bitches.

**Tony: **AVENGERS ASSEMBLE

**Tony: **LIKE NOW

**Tony: **THIS DUDE SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME

* * *

**Natasha: **Stark. What did you do to Barton

**Tony:** To what might you be referring?

**Natasha: **You know what

**Tony:** I have no idea

**Tony: **enlighten me

**Natasha: **He's jumping around the bridge and flapping his arms

**Tony: **there's gotta be more to this story

**Natasha: **and screaming 'I'm a bird, motherfuckers'

**Tony: **ah.

**Natasha: **what did you do?!

**Tony: **you just automatically assume that I did this. I love that.

**Thor: **WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE BIRD MAN, MAN OF IRON?

**Bruce: **okay, srsly tony? This is low even for you.

**Tony: **I can just feel the respect you guys have for me emanating through the room, guys.

**Tony:** oh yeah. There's magic in the air.

**Steve: **Okay, seriously? Stark, fix this.

**Tony:** it wasn't me!

**Bruce: **give one good reason why we should believe you...?

**Tony: **I'm Iron Man, bitches

**Natasha: **someone just lock him up or something before he can blow up the whole helicarrier.

**Steve: **well, he was setting off rockets in the lab this morning...

**Fury:** what?!

**Tony: **Nothing

**Natasha: **nothing

**Steve:** Nothing

**Bruce:** I really need to go reevaluate my career choices.

**Clint:** IM A BIRD MOTHERFUCKERS

**Fury: **someone please get him off the bridge of my ship.

**Steve:** On it.

**Tony:** Who did this to you legolas?

**Clint:** I DUNNO. I ATE ONE OF THORS POP TARTS THO AND IT WAS DELICIOUS

**Thor:** THEY ARE DELICIOUS!

**Natasha: **who's brilliant idea was it to give Thor pop tarts?

**Tony: **shit

**Bruce:** ...what

**Tony:** Loki.

**Natasha:** shit.

**Clint:** I LOVE POP TARTS NOW

**Thor: **THESE POPPING TARTS SHALL HENCEFORTH BE NAMED THE FOOD OF THE GODS

**Clint: **damn straight

**Natasha: **I used to have goals.

**Tony: **me too.

**Tony: **but screw that, because I'm Iron Man.

* * *

**Natasha: **whatever happened to loki?

**Tony: **fury decided he wasn't a threat if he was just texting us.

**Natasha: **so he's being allowed to do it?

**Tony: **that was the plan.

**Clint: **WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

**Clint: **HE'S GONNA POISON US THROUGH THE PHONE WITH GAMMA RADIATION OR SOMETHING

**Clint: **AND WE'LL ALL TURN INTO HIDEOUS MONSTERS OR DIE PAINFUL DEATHS

**Bruce: **...

**Loki: **Please, keep talking. I'm taking notes on your behavior so I may use it against you in the next great battle of the future.

**Natasha: **Woah! How did you type that quickly with all perfect grammar and stuff

**Loki: **I'm the God of Mischief.

**Loki: **Why do I do anything?

**Tony: **Don't talk to it, Nat. Don't encourage it.

**Clint: **NO ONE CALLS HER NAT BUT ME

**Clint: **NO ONE

**Tony: **Y'know, i think i'm gonna go to bed early

**Tony: **bye

**Natasha: **smart man

**Clint: **-.-

**Natasha: **...but not as smart as you?

**Clint: **:)

**Cora: **MINE. CHANGE IT.

**Natasha: **?!

**Clint: **=)

**Cora: **Better. Carry on.

**Clint: **and on that note...

**Bruce: **wait a second stark. its like four in the afternoon.

**Tony: **problem?

**Bruce: **if i tried to list them all, we'd be here all night.

* * *

**Tony: **help

**Bruce: **what now, Stark?

**Tony: **Pepper deactivated all my suits, changed the activation codes, and hid my computer.

**Tony: **and turned JARVIS against me.

**Tony: **I repeat: help

**Bruce: **sorry.

**Tony: **steve said he would help. But you and I both know he can't do anything.

**Bruce: **_I_ repeat: sorry

**Bruce: **you dudes are on your own.

* * *

**Cora, as in the Once Upon a Time character. If you don't get it...go read 'Message Sent' by CandyApple75. If you do get it...congrats to you. But it's not a big deal either way. ;)**

**So...what do you guys think? Loki, or no Loki? If we've got Loki fans among our reviewers, I'll certainly keep him in the story. **

**Also, a quick thank-you to everyone that understood my Deadpool thing in the last chapter. I'm glad that didn't go unnoticed. And if you didn't know that Robert Downey Jr plays Sherlock Holmes in the new movies...now you do. XD**

**All of Thor's texts were supposed to be in caps, by the way. I think I forgot once or twice.**

**That's all I've got. Expect more soon!**

**- K. A. Carlyle**


	3. Chapter 3

**Some day, I'll finally churn out something mildly understandable from one of these. But until that day, I'm afraid you'll have to cope with the...whatever this is. Sorry for mental break-down. Like, literal break-down...my mind is a car that won't start. It's gone this week. MIA. :P**

**All that aside, though...Avengers! Text messages! Something to keep me from keeling over and passing out from this week. ESPECIALLY AT THE MIDNIGHT PREMIERE OF IRON MAN THREE FRIDAY MORNING! AUGHHH-**

**Heh...heh...heh...**

**Enjoy (?)**

* * *

**Tony: **wanna hear something funny guys?

**Clint: **sure

**Steve: **Knowing Tony, "funny" translates to "stupid."

**Tony: **so Pepper is pissed off at me for something

**Tony: **and i thought it would be funny to make a joke about it

**Clint: **...mistake #1...

**Tony: **so i told her that it was really dark outside.

**Tony: **and she was all like "yeah tony. its midnight."

**Tony: **and i was like "its always midnight in your soul."

**Tony: **and then she didn't respond. maybe cause she was laughing too hard

**Clint: **...

**Steve: **just how drunk are you?

**Tony: **idk. but i'm going to tell this to Coulson and Fury.

* * *

**Bruce: **I hear you were wandering around drunk on the bridge just now?

**Tony: **not THAT drunk

**Bruce: **apparently you said you were too dizzy to walk so you started crawling everywhere...including under people's desks

**Tony: **don't remember that. Liar

**Bruce: **then you curled up on nick fury's feet like a dog and started humming the theme song from smokey and the bandit

**Tony: **It was only one shot of tequila

**Bruce: **...

**Tony: **or five

**Tony: ...**ten at the most

**Tony: **i dont remember the last hour very well

**Bruce: **I think you need a vacation.

**Clint: **or perhaps a catSCAN

**Natasha: **I can organize a mental re-calibration.

**Natasha: **I found a frying pan in the kitchens.

**Clint: **Frying pans. Who knew, right?!

**Natasha: **I am still under no circumstances watching that movie with you.

**Clint: **Respect my life choices, Nat.

**Clint: **:(

* * *

**Tony: **The hawk has a secret collection of disney movies!

**Steve: **Wonderful. And I need to know this because...?

**Tony: **it's interesting information.

**Tony: **that you can use against him in the years to come

**Steve: **Believe it or not, Tony, not all of us are insufferable pains in the ass. I don't need information about Barton.

**Tony: **You saying I should bother someone else?

**Steve: **Yes.

**Tony: **That's what I thought.

**Tony: **But I really think you need a better strategy for getting rid of me that _telling _me you're trying to get rid of me.

**Steve: **I can see my doom on the horizon.

**Tony: **perhaps.

**Tony: **or perhaps it's the cloud of annoyance that is your text messages coming to your phone in one explosion of my brilliant mind.

**Steve: **I got none of that.

**Tony: **good because neither did I.

* * *

**Bruce**: tony, what are you doing?

**Tony: **updating

**Bruce: **updating what?

**Tony: **it's highly technical and complicated. I don't think youd understand.

**Bruce: **try me.

**Tony: **my facebook.

**Bruce: **what u writin?

**Tony: **"murdered by girlfriend."

**Tony: **excuse me.

**Bruce: **y?

**Tony: **have you ever heard of something called a "need-to-know basis," Bruce?

**Bruce: **I am familiar with the concept, yes.

**Tony: **you don't need to know.

* * *

**Pepper: **seen tony anywhere?

**Natasha: **yes

**Pepper: **Going to tell me where?

**Natasha: **no

**Pepper: **Why? :/

**Natasha: **tony said something about a need to know basis

**Pepper: **You're going to listen to Tony over me? I thought we were trying to be friends now.

**Natasha: **correction: you were trying to be friends now

**Natasha: **also I'm really sorry pepper but I see tony more often than I see you and I know I'll never hear the end of it if I tell you where he is

**Pepper: **Never mind. I think I've figured it out.

**Natasha: **then i'm going to save this conversation so I have proof its not my fault.

**Natasha: **er i mean good luck

* * *

**Bruce: **tony wants to know why you're mad at him

**Pepper: **Why can't he just ask me himself?

**Bruce: **he's scared of you, as far as I can tell

**Bruce: **lol tony I can't not tell her that now that I've already said it

**Pepper: **?

**Bruce: **I'm texting tony too. He's just blocking his messages from you

**Pepper: **What the hell, Tony?

**Bruce: **don't try to understand his mind.

**Pepper: **Why do you have to translate?

**Bruce: **I'm the so-called "middleman", as it were

**Bruce: **also im uber bored. This helicarrier sucks in terms of entertainment.

**Pepper: **Okay, fine.

**Bruce: **still tho. Y are you mad at tiny?

**Bruce: ***tony. hit the wrong key.

**Pepper: **Shouldn't that be "Tinny," because he's Iron Man?

**Bruce: **y u mad

**Pepper: **Tony keeps sassing me.

**Bruce: **I think you mean tinny.

**Bruce: **also _what_?

**Pepper: **When Tony feels the need to talk to me himself, I'll explain.

**Bruce: **WAIT! I've found screwing with other peoples' lives is fun

**Bruce: **COME BACK

* * *

**Tony: **Pepper's being such a painnnnnn

**Natasha: **i didn't tell her where you were

**Steve: **I will. Where is she?

**Tony: **wtf cap. what did i ever do to you

**Steve: **Making a list that long would take hours, Stark.

**Tony: **fair enough

**Pepper: **HA! Found you!

**Tony: **not technically, considering that you 'found me' through a phone.

**Pepper: **JARVIS is tracking the signal.

**Tony: **Not anymore.

**Tony: **I got a cool new phone that's untraceable.

**Pepper: **Damn it, Tony!

**Tony: **I know. I suck.

**Steve: **Someone save that text forever, please.

**Bruce: **we'll engrave it into a rock and fossilize it.

**Tony: **oh, u guys r so funny.

**Tony: **hardy har har

**Tony: **look at all the fucks i give

**Pepper: **I'M DONE! I'M SO DONE! I DON'T KNOW HOW I'VE LIVED LIKE THIS FOR SO LONG! I QUIT!11!

**Tony: **o.O

**Steve: **D:

**Bruce: **0.0

**Thor: **:)

**Tony: **what r u smilin about, blondie?

**Thor: **I HAVE POP TARTS, MAN OF IRON! THERE IS MUCH TO SMILE ABOUT!

**Bruce: **k seriously i thought we got someone to take care of that issue

**Clint: **I'M A BIRD! Ca-CAW!

**Tony: **Evidently not.

**Loki: **Guess who's back?

**Tony: **(back, back...back again, gain, gain...)

**Tony: **WELL NO ONE ELSE WAS GOING TO FINISH THE SONG

**Bruce: **why talk in the third person?

**Loki: **I am a king, and a deity. I do not need to stoop to answering your petty mortal questions.

**Bruce: **k. u could hav just said "no."

**Tony: **keep in mind, he's still a king who got his ass thrown in jail.

**Tony: **halfway across the galaxy.

**Natasha: **just shut up tony. there are bigger problems going on.

**Tony: **lyk?

**Natasha: **Where's Pepper?

**Tony: **...

**Bruce: **...

**Steve: **...

**Thor: **:)

**Loki: **WHAT IS THIS MAGIC?

**Tony: **oh dear god not this again.

**Thor: **I AM A GOD, MAN OF IRON!

**Tony: **oh, for the love of- here. just...take your pop tarts and go.

**Pepper: **I'm going on vacation.

**Natasha: **PLEASE, PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU

**Tony: **me 2 pls

**Pepper: **I am going to the Caribbean. And you, Tony, are going to hell.

**Tony: **ouch. you wound me, pepper.

**Pepper: **Apparently not enough to be fatal.

**Bruce: **That would be too easy.

**Steve: **I'm going to ask if I can bunk with the Fantastic Four or the X-Men or even the Justice League or something. Nice knowing you guys.

* * *

**Ah, Tony. Subtle, as always. **

**Hah. **

**Anyway, that was...um...hmm. Mostly on a complete whim and probably not my favorite. Review, please, as always...the review box feeds my brain!**

**- K. A. Carlyle**


	4. Chapter 4

**Wow. How many days since I updated this? It seems like it's only been one. My, how the time flies when you're watching IRON MAN 3. **

**PM me if you've got thoughts about the movie and feel like talking about it with someone. XD**

**Here's chapter four, anyway. Gosh...I almost said chapter three. Has it really been that many already? Yikes. **

**Fair warning, this one is shorter...but that's mostly because I haven't got the time to think up anything too complex at the moment. I think I fulfilled everyone's requests with this one, though, so that's good. I feel accomplished now. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Thor: **...and there you have it, brother.

**Thor**: ...behold. I am smiling. :)

**Loki: **WHAT IS THIS MAGIC?

**Thor: **Likenesses of human faces appear before you on the screen when certain symbols in the Midgardian English language are utilized.

**Loki: **(:

**Thor: **ALAS! IT NEVER BEFORE STRUCK MY MIND THAT IT COULD BE REVERSED!

**Thor: **(: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (:

**Loki: **And yet father chose _you_ to become the king of Asgard.

**Loki: **This, I will never understand.

* * *

**Tony: **'kay, so...I found something really cool on clint's phone.

**Steve: **I'm getting really tired of you, Stark.

**Tony: **'s okay. Im gettin real tired of u 2

**Steve: **So why text me.

**Tony: **it pisses you off. Alls well that ends well

**Tony: **Also im iron man.

**Steve: **Okay. Whatever. You were saying?

**Tony: **there's this thing on clint's phone.

**Tony: **text him now.

**Tony: **actually, everyone text him now.

**Steve: **How does this have anything to do with your job?

**Tony: **my job is science.

**Tony: **I'm experimenting.

**Tony: **hopefully that's not a problem, _mother_

**Tony: **hello?

* * *

**Natasha: **Clint talk to me.

**Clint: **tuna

**Natasha: **excuse me?

**Clint: **fish olive this whisker ellipses.

**Natasha: **STARK WHAT THE HELL

**Tony: **always a pleasure to speak with you, too, Natasha.

**Clint: **whats the portion

**Clint: **with my phosphorescent

**Bruce: **how is that even a word?

**Loki: **WHAT IS THIS MAGIC?

**Bruce: **I swear that's not my fault.

**Tony: **people just don't stay blocked from conversations the way they used to, huh?

**Clint: **endowment agrees entirely. Anger is the IRA.

**Tony: **ahahahaha-

**Loki: **How have I not discovered this yet? It would be a most gratifying "prank" to pull on my brother.

**Tony: **how do you understand the concept of autocorrect.

**Bruce: **love how that's not even a question

**Natasha: **there's autocorrect on these phones? D:

**Tony: **I'm tony stark. There can be if I want there to be.

**Clint: **wet the fish slapping.

**Clint: ***water buffalo is happening

**Clint: ****WHAT THE FRYING IS HARPOONING

**Clint: **-.-

**Tony: ***dying*

**Natasha: **loving today more and more

**Clint: **strudel evanescence

**Clint: **casket me to downton abbey

**Bruce: **group screenshot. Now. Everyone take one and enjoy this moment forever.

**Tony: **I've got one of the best [selective] memories in the world. I could enjoy this forever anyway.

**Tony: **and im smarter than all of you combined

**Bruce: **screw you!

**Tony: **oops

**Clint: **DO YOU DINGDONG ANY HIATUS

**Natasha: **er...no?

**Clint: **RYAN REYNOLDS ANSWER

**Deadpool: **lol what

**Natasha: **grrrrrrrr

**Deadpool: **...bad respawn!

**Clint: **WHALES THE FUDGE

**Clint: **my calves burp jellyfish

**Tony: **awesome

**Steve: **...hello, is this Reed Richards? I'd like to speak with you about a temporary living arrangement...

* * *

**Fury: **you girls need something to keep you alert and focused. You need something that can keep you training and thinking at the same time.

**Fury: **that something is a new teammate. I'm bringing them in tomorrow.

**Tony: **you don't seem to understand, fury...

**Tony: **I'm bankrolling this Avengers project. And unless said teammate is the cover model for-

**Fury: **enough, stark. I'm the executive decision-maker here.

**Tony: **false information.

**Tony: **WHAT ARE THESE LIES

**Fury: **...so I may retain the thought that I have some semblance of authority in this situation.

**Tony: **don't try to sound smarterer than me fury.

**Fury: **don't worry. I'm not trying.

* * *

**Steve: **Damn. The Fantastic Four won't take me.

**Tony: **we can leave you on their doorstep and see if they change their minds.

**Tony: **seriously it's not too late the Baxter Building's real close

**Steve: **Apparently there's some issue with me looking too much like Johnny Storm. The public wouldn't take too well to it.

**Deadpool: **lol you guys are the worst.

**Bruce: **WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!

**Deadpool: **which one of us is he talking to? I think it's you. Maybe it's you. We should both answer just in case.

**Tony: **Is he a little...

**Bruce: **o.O ?

**Tony: **...yeah...

**Deadpool: **I LIKE MAKING SMILEY FACES TOO

**Natasha: **someone just get rid of this dude already.

**Bruce: **fury tell me this isn't the guy that you mentioned.

**Fury: **it's not.

**Natasha: **then who is...?

**Spider-man: **...that would be me.

**Tony: **oh crap.

**Clint: **I squid my toucan? Spider panic and Canada?

**Deadpool: **I like this guy.

**Spider-man: **AVENGERS...ASSEMBLE!

* * *

**_Spider-man, Spider-man...does whatever a Deadpool can't... (?)_**

**...and the re****_-_****introduction of the auto-correct plague! Anyone who reads my Merlin installment of the text messaging brigade will know that disease well.**

**(And does anyone like the new cover image?! You all were very confused about Loki's pop tarts, so I'm going to go ahead and say that YES, they were laced with dark magic. The giggles ensue.)**

**Anyway. What do you guys think of that little twist? Some semblance of a plot is forming...hmm...**

**More soon, **

**- Carlyle**


	5. Chapter 5

**Don't know who Deadpool is? You have been put to shame, so-called Marvelites. Get out of my house. **

**I kid. Just...Google the guy. And be warned that too much DP may cause internal hemorrhaging. **

**Disclaimer (Because I haven't posted one yet and I need to get into the habit):**

**I do not own the Avengers. Unless someone gave them to me for Christmas, in which case, yes, I do. I'd like very much for that to happen, so...if you're looking for gift options, there's my list for you... ;) **

**I digress.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Thor: **(:

**Loki: **:(

**Thor: **WHY MUST YOU LIVE TO CONTRADICT ME, BROTHER?

**Loki: **I am the God of Mischief.

**Loki: **...you know how this sentence ends.

**Deadpool:** I LIKE MAKING SMILEY FACES TOO

**Deadpool:** :]

**Bruce:** that looks kinda sadistic.

**Deadpool: **wonderful. :]

**Spider-man: **it's good to be back with the spandex brigade.

**Steve:** IT'S NOT SPANDEX, OKAY?! IT'S NOT. D:

**Tony**: he's very sensitive about that sort of thing

**Tony:** mostly cause he's the only one here

**Tony:** THAT WEARS A UNITARD TO WORK

**Steve:** d,oncdsdhi,PKU gjgjgfffgifcftdexqwsthinkojj

**Spider-man:** 'sup with him?

**Nat:** y did steve just run past me in the hallway

**Nat:** ...bawling

**Tony:** erm...

**Pepper:** Your face often has that effect on people.

**Tony:** WOULD YOU JUST LET IT GO, PEPPER?!

**Pepper:** No. Do you know why?

**Tony:** give me a clue.

**Pepper:** Because it's always midnight in my soul.

* * *

**Clint: **have you guys seen Nat around?

**Bruce: **training. I think.

**Tony: **fury told her to start training sessions with ol' webhead

**Clint: **scuse me. I've got a spider to squish.

**Natasha: **...and I'm fine, thanks for asking.

**Steve: **Why does no one include me in their conversations.

* * *

**Spider-man: **wow! Your aim is worse than your haircut!

**Natasha: **grrrrrrr

**Spider-man: **maybe you should go back to the russian mafia

**Natasha: **you realize I'm named after the most deadly spider in the world, right?

**Spider-man: **not following you.

**Natasha: **run, little spider. Run as fast as you can.

* * *

**Natasha: **Spider-man. Where.

**Clint: **Erm...why?

**Natasha: **So I can rip his throat out with my teeth.

**Clint: **o.O

**Clint: **Main deck. Talking to Fury. Now.

**Clint: **Please don't hurt me.

**Natasha: **not now. I'm spider-hunting.

* * *

**Natasha: **WEBHEAD

**Spider-man: **if it isn't my favorite ginger avenger.

**Spider-man: **wait a minute.

**Natasha: **you're really getting on my nerves, spider.

**Spider-man: **yes, I've been told I have a knack for that.

**Tony: **sorry Webs, that's my job.

**Spider-man: **share?

**Tony: **I could crush you like a bug, spider.

**Spider-man: **I'm terrified.

**Tony: **you should be. I've got an invincible metal suit and you're starting to piss me off.

**Tony: **and people told me you were bright...

* * *

**Bruce: **so...why r u still here again?

**Deadpool: **I'm bored...HumorFics are better when the fourth wall can be breached...someone finally gave me something electronic to use without thinking I might turn it into a bomb...

**Tony: **oh dear god what have I done

**Bruce: **so...you're planning to stay?

**Deadpool: **Plan? I never plan. Mostly just make things up as I go along and hope I don't die...

**Deadpool: **again. this will be the 3,082nd time if I do.

**Tony: **this guy is awesome!

**Bruce: **you're not even an avenger. You're an anti-hero.

**Deadpool: **welcome to half the marvel universe. glad you could make it.

**Tony: **i'm so confused.

**Deadpool: **that's the idea.

* * *

**Pepper: **There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about, Tony.

**Pepper: **I discovered this great new Aerosmith song the other day that you might be interested in.

**Pepper: **It's called "Hole in My Soul."

**Tony: **point being? There are plenty of strange Aerosmith songs for us.

**Tony: **for instance, the theme song for Thor's hair:

**Tony: **"Dude Looks Like a Lady."

**Thor: **I CAN SENSE THAT I HAVE BEEN INSULTED, MAN OF IRON.

**Tony: **no, wait. I lied. I know Thor's theme song.

**Thor: **I HAVE A THEME SONG, MAN OF IRON?

**Tony: **sure. Let me teach it to you.

**Tony: **then you can go sing it to Steve and annoy the crap out of him.

* * *

**Spider-man: **hide me from the creepy russian lady

**Clint: **that's my girlfriend you're talking about, bub.

**Wolverine: **COPYRIGHTED. CHANGE IT.

**Clint: **that's my girlfriend you're talking about...dude?

**Wolverine: **snikt.

**Clint: **?

**Spider-man: **welcome to my world.

**Natasha: **I will dangle you from the hull of the helicarrier by your own webs, Spider man.

**Natasha: **see if your face looks any better than my haircut by the time I'm done roundhouse-kicking you into next week.

**Spider-man: **always a pleasure conversing with you, Widow.

**Natasha: **ты умрешь во сне.

**Spider-man: **?

**Tony: **she just told you that you will die in your sleep in russian.

**Spider-man: **I see now why no one invited me to join the avengers before.

* * *

**Tony: **congratulations.

**Steve: **'Congratulations'? Congratulations on what?

**Tony: **Inheriting the universe's greatest pain in the ass.

**Steve: **...I'm sorry, Tony. I was under the impression that that was you.

**Thor: **CAN'T TOUCH THIS

**Tony: **have fun.

**Steve: **What?! Stark, wait-

**Steve: **What have you done to Thor?!

**Steve: **WAIT! STARK-

**Thor: **NOW STOP!

**Steve: **oh please no

**Thor: **HAMMER TIME!

**Steve: **Final straw. I'm calling up the Justice League. Anything's better than here.

**Thor: **MUSIC HITS ME, SO HARD, MAKES ME SA-

**Thor: **CAPTAIN OF AMERICA.

**Thor: **SON OF RODGERS.

**Thor: **STEVE.

**Thor: **Mortals confuse me greatly.

**Loki: **Now _there's_ something we can agree upon.

* * *

**Spider-man: **Now, Natasha, I know you're mad, but my humor is really all cheesy sarcasm...no need to...

**Natasha: **HHHRRRAAAAUUUGGGGHHH

**Spider-man: **HOLY SHAWARMA

**Tony: **wow. nice.

**Tony: **Remind me to use that.

**Spider-man: **owwww

**Natasha: **Behold my martyr.

**Thor: **ONLY THE FOOD AND EMOTICONS OF THE GODS MAY BE BEHOLDED, WIDOW OF BLACKNESS.

**Spider-man: **my spleen...

**Tony: **can you hear me, buddy?

**Spider-man: **meh

**Tony: **what happened

**Spider-man: **she kicked me through the floor.

**Tony: **LOL

**Spider-man: **huh.

**Tony: **what?

**Spider-man: **just...huh.

**Spider-man: **I never knew this place had a basement.

**Tony: **what the...

**Spider-man: **discover youtube. Then we'll talk.

**Loki: **...and yet, it is still a mystery to me as to how I was beaten by _you_ people.

* * *

**...in which half the Marvel Universe guest-stars. -.- (- Still not impressed with the way my mind works.)**

**Pearlbunny should be laughing on the floor by now. **

**This is chapter five, which means - le gasp! - we're halfway through! I'll try my hardest to make some longer, better chapters for you guys in the future. Until then, please review, as always! I love to hear your thoughts so much...especially when you tell me your favorite lines, so I know what kind of humor to add more of. MY MIND IS HUNGRY. FEED IT WITH REVIEWS. That is all.**

**- K. A. Carlyle**


End file.
